AMERICAN IDOL REWIND, EPISODE 5
By Robert Griggs

I'm running late! I missed the first 10 minutes of this week's edition, so we're gonna jump right in with Emmy Robin, who Brian & Ryan flirt with endlessly even though they have no shot with her. She sings very well, and is passed onto Hollywood by the judges.
Next up, Vanessa, and I don't have her last name. It doesn't matter, because she's got that irritatingly high baby-doll voice, and that won't work here. Judges all say no.
Next is Adrienne from Romania. Her mother says she's very talented and she hopes the judges see her talent. Nice endorsement from mom. She sings "Heaven" and doesn't disappoint...she's one of the best we've heard. Judges all thought she was fabulous, and Simon has her sing 30 seconds in Romanian, which was also very lovely. She's Hollywood bound. Ryan exposits that six others get the all clear to head to Hollywood.
After too many commercials, we have Elias singing "Oops I Did It Again, and stripping off his coat to reveal a T-shirt shrine to one Simon Cowell. Oh, my. He is terrible, but "entertaining", so Simon, Paula, and Randy send him to Hollywood.
Max Lev meanwhile is totally enamored with Paula and sings "Play That Funky Music" fairly well, but is horribly animated, like he's acting out a play or such. Cabaret. Yeah, that's it...cabaret. Simon misuses that word so damn much on this show that I want to see it used properly for once, so Max is cabaret. The judges love him too, though, so shows what I know. He's going to Hollywood to be fodder for the actual singers.
Unfortunately for the next "funny" act, they've reached their quota on the funny, and he's flatly rejected.
Then Robert Williams Jr sings "Unchained Melody", holding notes out for what seems like minutes. Too bad they're all wandering up and down the scale, trying to find the key that fits, but never quite getting there. Ow. Simon tells him he killed it, and Robert is confused whether that's good or bad. Simon points out that it is beyond bad, and that Robert will not be going to Hollywood.
Jenilee Stein sings "Stand By Your Man" respectably well, but you can tell either she's nervous, holding back, or is missing something. Simon & Randy catch it too, and say no. Paula also notes something's holding her back and also says no. Ah, season one. It was such an innocent time where the judges gave halfway useful advice and called it so fairly. Why did it have to end when the second season started? Uh, sorry. Anyway, Jenilee is not going to Hollywood, and is all pissed about it, spouting off some of that colorful language she must've picked up from Tameeka.
Jenilee's being pissed leads to a Montage of Pissed if you will. Several other singers come out with various euphemisms over what the judges said. I genuinely laugh at one, a girl who was told she was a "Disney singer". Ha ha. Sadly, if that were true, she'd be making more money than Simon's ever seen.
Fortunately, Kelli Glover is here to hopefully sing well. She sings "Reflection" and her natural voice is good, but when she tries for the high notes, the tone of her voice is really harsh. Simon picks up on her "doing something unnatural" with her voice on those notes. Paula says she's singing through her nose when she sings high, and it's causing the harshness. Kelli says she can fix it. All the judges, one by one, say the same damned thing about her needing to work on it real hard. Just think of it being said directly by Simon, then being said in a real nice, pretty please tone by Paula, then think of it being said directly but with a bunch of mans, dawgs, and so forth by Randy. Yes, this is gonna be a problem if it keeps happening. Anyway, Kelli is going to Hollywood.
The last contestant of the day (and of the New York auditions by the way the producers are painting it) is Justin Guarini. He literally tears up "Who's Lovin' You", showing off tremendous range and prescence. Paula is besotted with him, his Y chromosome, and his other male attributes and says he's great. Seriously, someone get her a drink of water. She needs to cool off. Simon begrudgingly admits the US talent is better than the UK talent, and huh? How can you make such a sweeping generalization based on a bunch of 20 second auditions? Chill, Simon. Back to Justin, he is invited to Hollywood, and Simon goes on about how it is a privilege to sit and listen to auditions like his (no doubt, especially since Simon will be the one to gouge, uh, make a fortune off the winner). Over 20 contestants from the New York auditions are West Coast bound.
We move to Miami, complete with stock footage of beaches, fun, sun, half naked people, etc. You get the picture. Ryan points out that the contestants showed skin, and it's a nice segway to Amnesia Sparkles who's barely wearing enough clothing for this show to maintain its "G" rating. She "knows" Simon and tells him it's nice to see him. She sings "Maybe This Time" and you can tell she's a drag queen by her voice. Simon is lost for words, and Randy & Paula love it. They say they'll never forget her. Amnesia gives Simon a kiss (!) and takes off.
Then Christina Christian does a real audition, and sings "Isn't She Lovely" but changes the "she's" to "he's" and directs it at one Simon Cowell. For those that are unsure, we later learn that she actually sang something else for her audition, and the producers put her up to this. Fortunately, Simon's fawning over her is justified in the fact that she sings quite well. Randy starts chiming in with "no's" and boos during the song. Simon tells Randy to shut up. Randy goes on an entirely too long tangent about also being beautiful too, so Christina sings a little of "You Are So Beautiful" to Randy. Obviously she's going to Hollywood and they're just horsing around at this point. Simon sincerely tells her that she has a shot to win. While it was way too early to make such a statement, she did give an excellent audition.
Montage of people waiting for hours. No mention of who's being rejected or sent onto Hollywood, or if the judges just decided to take an extra long lunch. Paula must've needed to recover after Justin's and Christina's audtions. Anjela Kyuregan doesn't mind the wait since she had traveled to three other cities to just miss the auditions. She's going to sing "whatever God puts in her mouth", but I think He intended for her to sing it in English. Mercy. It's just a jumbled up mess that I really don't understand. I think God would like for Anjela to put a little more effort in her singing, or better yet, just shut up. That racket makes us all cry.
Jennifer Rodriguez is next, and she sings "Fallin" pretty well, but I can tell she's got limited vocal range. Paula says she was good, but sang it like the original, which brings comparisons to Alicia Keys that Jennifer will never win on her best day. Paula also says she's needs to work on smiling while she's singing. Ah, the drugs must be working. Uh, Paula, why would she smile when she's singing such a melancholy song? Just sit in the corner with your Coca Cola glass of painkillers and hush. Anyway, Jennifer promises to work on smiling inappropriately, so Randy & Paula invite her to Hollywood.
After what seemed like 500 commercials, the day's winding down, and Alexandria Bachelier auditions with "Genie in a Bottle." She's merely fair to me, as she's speaking more than singing. But she's pretty, tan, and seems na?ve enough to the judges, so Paula & Simon send her onto Hollywood.
Alexandria's "best friend" as of that day, Tenia Taylor, auditions next. She sings "Rainy Days and Mondays" and can give Jennifer tips on the inappropriate smiling. Ugh. Just a big ol' bright ass smile to go with her glitter eye shadow all done for singing about rainy days and Mondays. Seriously, if she's gonna sing gloom & doom songs like that, she needs to wipe that shit off and listen to the freaking words! Randy displays some common sense by being on the fence, but Simon is blinded by the fact that she's cute and she also seems a bit na?ve. He says it was a good audition. Paula joins him in approving Tenia, so Randy doesn't have to worry about it...Tenia's Hollywood bound with Alexandria. Wonder how long they'd be BFF's if they were told there's one spot left for the two of them? Six people from Miami get in, and I think that's the last of the audition episodes. At least I sure hope so. I'm ready to get to the heats. Catch ya next time!

About the Author

Author Robert Griggs is an avid follower of American Idol. From the show's first episode, and to the present, Griggs has dedicated much of his time in following this show. Mr. Griggs currently writes for the commentary website: http://www.tothepointandback.com. If you would like to check out more of his works, feel free to do so.

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